Christmas

Hey Mom,

I'd like to say I'm doing well but I said that a while back and BAM! Just like that, the O.C was cancelled. I don't want to jinx anything this time. In other news, the holidays are here. I used to not like them at all, but then I realised that I simply need to get over myself. I mean, who wouldn't love a party where there will be food, presents, carols, a decorated tree and a fat, drunk guy in a red jump-suit. Courtney Love probably wouldn't, but that's because she's not invited to any of those parties.

Also, I met someone the other day who was really anti-everything. Those people annoy me. He basically just sat around, talking about how stupid everyone is, trying desperately to fit into society and how we're all being duped by the big corporations bla bla bla. I wanted to say:

Your life's goal is one of the easiest that I've ever encountered. You choose not to fit in. Isn't that insanely easy, since you didn't fit in from the start? So basically, if you think about it(which I'm guessing you did, while listening to The Velvet Underground), it's like me saying "My life's goal is going to be a boycott of carrots. That would make me one of the more successful people I know, since I've achieved my life's goal before I've turned 22. The fact that I don't even like carrots to begin with and that I'm allergic, is irrelevant."

My favourite christmas song is "Do they know it's christmas time". The anti-everything guy that I met said that his is "Killing in the name of" by Rage Against The Machine. I'm pretty confident that his name, spelled out backwards, becomes C-O-L-U-M-B-I-N-E.

Merry christmas, guys.

"A quick course in photography" by Ghazmerize Amin

As we all know, photography is art. This is not the case here. I asked renowned portrait photographer Ghazal Amin-Madagascar to do a quick portrait of me and to give me a few easy steps on how do best take some one's picture. Not only did she do a wonderful job, she also cooked for me. Or at least Nathaniel bought takeout. SO, without further delay, here is the "quick course in photography" by Ghazal Amin-Montana

Step 1: "Subject".
First of all, it is very important to only take pictures of people who are not ugly. After all, you're a photographer, not a magician. If you could create gold from cat shit, you'd have a nicer apartment.

Step 2: "Variation"
It is very important that your photos are ground breaking. That you do something that's never been done before. Like if you were to donate money to charity and that money would actually reach someone who is poor. One good way is to use barriers, like a plant. Because that has never been done by anyone. Ever.

Step 3: "Start early"
Because most citizens of the world are not talented, it is crucial that you have alot of time. Ask your subject to come in around 6.00 AM. That way, the subject thinks that you have something special planned. And when he notices that you don't, he will get angry and therefore more relaxed. Totally makes sense.

Step 5: "Don't be an idiot"
Use auto-focus.

Step 6: "Eating disorder"
Remember that many people have eating disorders and have actually forgotten how to chew their food. If that is the case, don't take the picture when the are desperately trying to control their saliva.

Step 7: "Afternoon Delight"
Sometimes, the day can get very long. If the subject starts to get fatigued, just tell him to go fuck himself.

Step 8: "Post-Afternoon Delight"
If your subject is already tired and you just told him to go fuck himself, don't start aiming the camera at shit that nobody cares about.

Final step: "Closing time"
Since the pictures didn't turn out very well and you spent all of your money on takeout, many photographers simply choose to electrocute their subject and then eat them for dinner.

I hope that this guide was helpful since the process of getting my picture taken was absolutely horrifying. If you have any questions, please keep them to yourself.

Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in

I must apologize for my absence. Things have been crazy lately. Actually, that's a lie. I'm just lazy. I do have news, though! I am now in London again after venturing to Sweden, just to stay for like 14 hours before coming back here.

The topic of Sweden has started to fascinate me lately. Or rather, how fascinated other people are by Sweden. Really, how much do YOU know about Sweden? Disregarding the cute blonds. Although, disregarding "the cute blonds" doesn't really make any sense, since that would probably be the only reason why you would ever to go Sweden. It's kind of like standing on your roof, ready to jump off and thinking: What would be the argument for not jumping off my roof, disregarding "gravity"?

The great thing about Swedish blonds is not the fact that they're stupid. The greatest thing is that even though they're not stupid, they feel like they need to uphold some sort of image. Ergo, many of them ask before they think. Like the girl in junior high who raised her hand, stood up and asked the teacher what Hitler's last name was.

Another great thing about Sweden is that nobody fear us. Maybe that is because our soldiers wear berets. However, the fact that we are so non-intimidating didn't really help me get into the U.S, though. The guy who checked my passport seemed to think that if you look hard enough, my name might not be Jonsson anymore, but something more convenient. Like Semtex. I had to wait for two hours before I got called to the desk. Here are the questions that they asked me:



"Have you ever fired a weapon?"
"No, I thought you knew that I'm from ANOTHER country. Not this one."



"Have you ever been in the army?"
"No, Sweden hasn't had an army since the 18th century and we fought the Russians so I really don't know what your problem is."



Of course, if I had really said those things, they would have kicked the shit out of me.



As usual, I have sidetracked. London is great so far, I'm not a huge fan of the food, weather or women so far. My friend told me that opinion makes me a pessimist. I'd say that opinion makes me a citizen of the world. I'm getting a place pretty soon which is going to be fucking amazing, I'm done living out of a suitcase, for now. I plan on chillin' here until spring, spend a month or so in the U.S and then come back. Also, I found a place that sells old issues of The Face for 1 pound each. I bought issues from 1995 that had old pictures by Ellen Von Unwerth, Mario Sorrenti, Terry Richardson etc etc. Basically, awesome.





I'll tune in again soon, mom.